Bye, Felicia

Or, as I should say, "Bye, Suboxone." 

I've been down to 1/2 mg of that nasty shit for a week now. I still have a few weeks' supply left, but I've decided that this morning's dose will be my last.

I've made some drastic changes in my life and my health since June 1. I started eating healthy foods, low in fat and added sugars, and I've been going to the gym every day. I do yoga daily. And I drink water like it's going out of style. I've been meditating and praying to my Higher Powers every day as well. And I feel wonderful.

Except for this lousy buprenorphine flowing through my system. It's done its job. I'm off opiates, and my plan is to stay off of them forever. And the bupe does not fit in with my new life choices. It's not healthy. It can't be good for my teeth or my mouth in general to be melting a strip of bupe and naloxone under my tongue every morning. And the bottom line is, due to my daily cardio workouts, I don't feel like I need it anymore.

When I dropped from 8 mg to 4 mg, I felt like I wanted to drop dead. It was a drastic decrease, and I felt terrible. But then I started changing my health habits. Eating better. Getting even just a little bit of exercise every day. Utilizing my other meds to ease the withdrawal symptoms.

And it worked.

Now that I'm down to 1/2 mg, I'm at the point where I feel like, really, what's the point in dragging it out? Yeah, my bowels are very enthusiastic right now. Yes, my legs are a little twitchy, and yes, I have screaming anxiety almost all the time. But I hurt my pectoral muscle a few days ago, and the doc at the emergency room gave me a five day script for 5 mg. Valium. So, since the pec feels better, I'm going to be using the remaining Valium to get me off the subs. I have 4 left. That's enough for 4 days, because I only take them when I feel like I'm gonna go out and punch a kitten.

I know, I know. I'm not supposed to be taking benzos, either. But every reliable study I've read has said that short-term use of a light benzo like Valium is key in getting you through the hideous anxiety that comes from bupe withdrawal. I can't use the kava because it gave me that disgusting shedding rash. But bupe has a crazy-long half life (37 hours). So it will take like two days to get the last of it out of my system, and then I will be totally, absolutely drug-free. No opiates or opioids, no benzos, nothing.

I'm making LIFE CHANGES. I don't want to be one of those people that has given up on life. I have gone through a lot of loss in the past couple of years. My daughter, my mother, my father, and my soulmate. And I thought I needed some kind of buffer to cope. But all the buffers did was keep me stuck in a state of non-feeling, and I haven't dealt with any of those losses. Hell, I haven't even dealt with my miscarriage from 10 years ago. That's a lot of shit. But I think maybe going to a bereavement group is a little healthier than sitting on the couch shooting dope and snorting bars, don't you?

So, here we are at the end. Thanks to everyone who has supported me on this journey. This blog will not be all about drugs anymore. I'd like to add a little more humor, since that's how I write, and maybe some sex, if I can get me some. We'll see.

In the meantime, I'll see you at the gym. Or a meeting.

Namaste, bitches.

So, It Does Get Better. Eventually.

It's been two weeks since the Suboxone cut, and I'm starting to feel a little bit better. Which is not to say that I feel great, but I wasn't expecting to feel great, just well enough to do my job and take care of the things I need to take care of. To stay out of bed for more than an hour or two every day. To do my laundry. To shower.

Actually, the laundry is just going now, because, while I felt well enough the other day to get it started, the thought of folding all that shit and putting it away exhausted me. The reason I started it today? I have therapy tomorrow and I can't walk in there in dirty clothes. I don't want them locking me up in the psych ward because I haven't done my laundry in two weeks. Also, I'm out of underwear. I mean OUT of underwear. I don't even have a pair of period panties in my drawer. And while you can Febreze a pair of jeans, you really can't do that with panties. So, the wash is going. I have three loads of clothes, plus linens, which may or may not get done. 

I also did the NAMI walk on Saturday. Granted, it was only 4K, but I honestly didn't think I was going to be able to do it at all. I brought two bottles of kava with me. However, I locked one of them in the van, because I'm a fucking genius, so I did the whole walk with NO kava. And 2 mg. of Suboxone. As opposed to 8 mg. I went with a bunch of people, and I figured, hey, it's at Jones Beach, there are bathrooms everywhere. Well, there are. But they were all locked. Towards the end there, I have to say I nearly shit my pants, but I managed to finish the walk and get to the only open bathroom, the one at the beginning of the walk, and I pity whoever was in there with me, but I got it done. I slept all day Sunday, and most of Monday, but I'm up now.

Kava helps. Kava, for those who don't know, is a root in the member of the pepper family, and it has anxiolytic properties. Sometimes, people have "reverse tolerance" and it takes a while for it to start working, but once it does, it's awesome. You're clear-headed but calm and able to cope with a myriad of things, like people. People are a problem for me, and the anxiety from this withdrawal has been the number one problem (aside from having to poop every 15 minutes but hey, according to Dr. Douchie, that's all in my head).  With the kava, I'm relaxed enough to get through things like group therapy and the car ride there and back without wanting to kill myself.

The problem is, if I drink enough of it to feel REALLY relaxed, I get SO relaxed that I just want to go to bed. So, I've stopped making it in gallon jugs, and I make two shots (we call them shells) at a time. Just enough to take the edge off, without sending me back to bed.

The stomach issue, I don't know what to say about that. I was starting to think that maybe it was a virus, but it's lasted for a couple weeks, so it's not that. I tried Imodium, but unfortunately, since it's an opioid (it just doesn't get you high) it doesn't seem to work with the Suboxone. So, I'm riding it out.

I want to tell everyone reading this that I feel amazingly better, that the 4 mg. is holding me just fine, that I can do everything I did on 8 mg. But, unfortunately, that's just not true. If I force myself, I can do SOME of the things I'm used to doing. I can work, that's most important (at least it is for me). But I work from home, so that's not a huge deal. And I try to take a walk every day, because cardio supposedly helps. The NAMI walk certainly helped, at least a little. But then, like I said, I spent the next two days in bed. So maybe not 4K, but at least a few blocks, and fast enough to make me sweat.

I'm sure that by next week, I'll be feeling relatively normal. And then I'll have a week of feeling relatively normal before Dr. Douchie drops me another 2 mg., and I feel like shit all over again. I promise not to bore you with all the details, but I do want this blog to offer SOME hope to others going through this. I want to be a little bit positive about the jump off Suboxone. So, expect some bitching along with some hope. Because, more than anything else, I want this blog to be REAL. And I promise, it won't be all about Suboxone, or even recovery. It's just that that's what I'm going through right now, and it's kind of all-consuming.

Except for the erotica I'm writing. That's consuming some of me too.

Anyway, that's the latest. If you're interested in why I went to the NAMI walk, you can check them out here.  They do awesome work for the mentally ill, and it's a cause that's dear to my heart. Feel free to donate to them. I won't mind.

Things are getting better, as they always do. Nothing is permanent. Good or bad, it always changes. So just remember that, when you're feeling like shit. Or even when you're not. It will pass. Hopefully, my next post will be more positive. Or at least funnier.

Getting Off Suboxone

Anyone that knows anything about me knows that I'm a recovering addict and alcoholic. I've spent years struggling with the disease of addiction, and I've put some time together, only to relapse a few years down the line, for whatever reason. Mostly because I didn't do what I was supposed to do. For me, the formula is simple - stay away from the mood- and mind-altering substances and go to 12 Step meetings. Also, of course, I've required therapy. But the key to all of that, the thing that makes those things effective, is rigorous honesty. Getting honest is getting to the crux of the problem, and without that honesty, I, at least, am doomed to repeat the process.

There's a saying about "jails, institutions and death." I've been in enough institutions for five people. As far as jail goes, I've spent a night or two in the company of the County's finest, and it's not an experience I'd like to repeat. And then, of course, there's death, something I'd like to avoid for as long as possible, despite my bouts of depression that was so severe I felt like killing myself.

I've been on Suboxone for a little over a year, and my doctor has decided that it's time for me to come off of it and start living my life without replacement therapy. For those of you who don't know, Suboxone is a combination of buprenorphine, probably the strongest opioid in the world, and naloxone, also known as Narcan, which reverses the effects of opiates in your system. Suboxone is replacement therapy, similar to methadone, but with the key difference being you can just fill your prescription, take your medication, and go about your life, without having to go to the methadone clinic every day. It's been a lifesaver for me; I honestly believe that I would have been six feet under by now if I hadn't been prescribed this drug.

I won't get into the politics of Suboxone, and there is a lot of that. While there is a set protocol for getting people on the drug, there is no set protocol for getting people off of it. And many people are perfectly happy to stay on it for as long as their doctors, and their insurance companies, will allow. My doctor, however, has a set period of time during which he will treat his patients with Suboxone, after which you can either titrate off the drug or find another doctor.

Initially, I wanted to find another doctor, because I was terrified of not having the drug. Part of it was the blocking action of the naloxone; it kept me from doing any other opiates, gave me time to think in between that initial thought of, "I think I'll go get high," and being able to feel the drugs. It takes at least three days for the naloxone to leave your system, which is ample time to think about the consequences involved in the get-high. Part of it, however, was also the buprenorphine. I didn't want to face life with absolutely no buffer between my raw nerve endings and the rest of the world, and the bupe was that buffer.

On further contemplation, however, I decided that it was time to live life on life's terms, so I agreed to the titration. I started out on 16 mg. per day, and have gradually lowered my dose by 2 mg. per month.

Until this month. This month, he dropped me from 8 mg. to 4 mg.

The first day, I was okay. I won't get into the whole science thing, because aside from anything else, I don't really understand it. I'm a writer, not a biologist. But your brain is awash in the buprenorphine at higher doses, so dropping by 2 mg. when you're taking 8 doesn't really affect you all that much. Once you get to the lower doses, however, it starts to be noticeable.

Today is the third day at 4 mg., and I am definitely feeling it. I have nowhere near the energy I usually have. My bowels are....enthusiastic, let's put it that way. I've got leg cramps, and my sleep is shitty. But I'm determined to do this. Why? Because at some point, we have to face life the way it's meant to be lived, and that means no buffers.

I've prepared myself, though. I have a box that I call my "care kit." It's filled with such things as loperamide (Imodium) for the stomach issues, kava root for the anxiety, and B-vitamins for my nerves. I'm going to a meeting a day. I'm reaching out to people. I'm asking for help.

I'm not here to tell anyone what they should do in terms of their personal medical decisions. I've come off Suboxone before, and it was hell. I "jumped" at too high of a dose, and I was so miserable that I wound up relapsing. What I am here to tell you is that, if you choose to do it, it can be done. The last time I jumped, it was at 2 mg.. It was too high of a dose. I was thrown into withdrawals about two days in, and after two weeks or so, I wound up using, from the sheer misery I felt. This time, I brought two advocates into my last appointment with the doctor (the same one who had me jump at 2 mg. the last time) and we came to the decision to have me cut my 2 mg. strips in half for the last two weeks of the titration. Granted, I would rather jump at 0.5 mg., but 1 mg. is still far better than 2. I feel like shit right now, and I probably will feel like shit for weeks to come, but I know it will pass.

The key, I believe, is surrounding yourself with as many positive people as possible. If you don't care for AA or NA meetings, make sure you have people in your life who are supportive of your efforts to live life drug free. Do your research, and stockpile your supply of healthy foods. If ice cream is your thing, then fuck your weight and get some ice cream. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself.

You've come this far; there's no reason you can't go even further. If it is your choice to come off the Suboxone, look for positive stories of people who have done that successfully. There is a plethora of negative stories on the internet about people who have tried and failed, but if you dig deeper, you will find success stories. Read them. Because those are the people who have a message you need to read and absorb.

I can't predict the future, and I don't know how I'll do. I'm hoping that, with the supports I have in place and the positive people that I have in my life, I will eventually get off this drug, and live my life without the intermediary of pharmaceuticals. I'm still on my antidepressants, and I have no plans to stop taking them - they keep me from that suicidal feeling that landed me in the hospital for six weeks the last time. But they're not mood- or mind-altering, and they pretty much allow me to live my life without blinders. I'll report back on how I'm feeling, if only to give hope to others that you can do this.