Don't Effing Do This

When someone is feeling sick, for whatever the reason, it's our natural instinct to want to comfort them. Of course it is, because, aside from anything else, it makes US uncomfortable when other people are uncomfortable. Sorry, bleeding hearts, but that's the state of the human condition. We want to be comfortable all the time, and when someone else is NOT comfortable, we feel totally agonized because it's fucking with OUR day. I know, I know, some people are just nice by nature, but I don't know any of those people. I'm OKAY by nature, but I'm not a Disney Princess, so yeah, when you feel bad, I wanna cheer you up so I don't feel bad along with you.

That said, I'm the type of person who, when I feel shitty, wants to be left the fuck alone. I don't want you hovering over me. I don't want your chicken soup. I don't need another fucking Kleenex. Just go away. You'll feel better that you don't have to witness my shitty feeling, and I'll feel better because you're GONE. Win-win. Every long-term relationship I've been in (yes, I've been in more than one - shut up) has succeeded in large part because my partner recognized that he or she needed to vamoos when I was feeling shitty and come back later when I was feeling less shitty.

However, I realize that some of you are going to resist the urge to turn and flee, and to try to make me feel better anyway. I'm warning you, I'm not good with people (that's why I'm a writer - NO PEOPLE). And I'm worse with them when I'm feeling either physically or emotionally shitty. So, here's a list of what not to do.

1. DO NOT OFFER ME A HOT BEVERAGE. I'm aware that it's the socially accepted custom (I learned that from Dr. Sheldon Cooper - I love Big Bang Theory), but I don't want any fucking tea. Or soup. Or anything else. I probably want a drink, but since I can't have that, it's best to just not offer me anything. They don't make a tea that lets you sleep for a week anyway. No, Sleepy Time does not do that. It doesn't even let me sleep for the night so yeah, no hot beverage.

2. DO NOT ASK IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU CAN DO. If there was something you could do, I would have asked you for it right off the bat. I hate being uncomfortable, either emotionally or physically, and I have NO PROBLEM asking someone to make it fucking better. So assume from Jump Street that there's absolutely nothing you can do. That should be enough to make you go away. If it's not, let's proceed.

3. DO NOT - UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES - TRY TO TOUCH ME. I will probably rip your head off and shit down your neck. Just don't touch me. Please.

4. DO NOT REGALE ME WITH TALES OF HOW SHITTY YOU FELT IN SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANCES. We may be friends but really? Don't care.

5. DO NOT SUGGEST THAT I TAKE A SHOWER/GO FOR A WALK/DISTRACT MYSELF. I wanna lie here and feel shitty, and that is my prerogative. It'll pass, okay? In the meantime, allow me my misery.

I know everything passes, believe me I know that. Whether I'm feeling awesome or feeling like I want to jump in front of a bus, the feeling will pass. So just allow me my misery. I'm not a miserable person by nature, although I'm not exactly the Happiest Girl in the World, either. I'll get tired of being miserable soon enough, take a shower, and move forward. But in the meantime, please don't do any of the above. Or our friendship will suffer a severe and likely permanent blow. I will recover. Our friendship may not.

Drink that tea yourself, go watch a movie, and wait for me to climb out from under the covers. I will, eventually. I promise.